Cause and effect.
Posted on Sun Apr 30th, 2017 @ 12:10pm by
Memories and recollections can be both sweet and sour, causing you to have the extreme feelings of being either totally elated or wishing the universe would end right now so you no longer carry the pain. Over the last few weeks, that's come more and more into focus in my thoughts as I approach the anniversary of the USS Frannery's incident with 'The Collective' on planet CX-136.
I didn't realise at first that it was affecting me in the way that it has. Yes, you get to know certain pointers like anxiety and a hopelessness that you can't put right what went wrong, but there's other pointers, one's that don't seem obvious at first, but you then realise are triggers for emotions you felt were buried.
In retrospect, I can now see that some of the Senior Officers and others think I'm being a pain in the backside, moody, difficult or outlandish in some of the things I've said, but....if I'm truly honest with myself, I'm still in that cell fighting to get free, to get Zamos, Karadis, Quonto, Richards and Silverman out and end this hell of hells.
It's not hard to see that because of my background and upbringing, others on the Victory see me as being spoiled by my family and that because of this, I want to take it out on the universe because I don't get my own way, and that could never be further from the truth.
I don't have any other introspective insight other than my own experience that I gave up what in essence 'would' have been a privileged life, to instead decide that, to be in the service of and protect and serve others was a greater calling.
It's that calling which led to the fighting on CX-136, to the bloodbath that ensued, watching as people I knew, respected and loved were torn limb from limb, gutted like pigs or tortured till the only release from their pain was finally death...
Even when it was over, and we eventually were freed, we were never really given the opportunity to be fully free, to heal from our actual and mental scars. We were never afforded the time to get it out of our systems by talking it through with anyone, instead, we were pressed back into service, expected to bury our feelings and 'get on with the job at hand', that of wiping out 'The Collective'.
Even when we did finally do so, we didn't get time to go back and try and rid ourselves of the emotions we'd buried so deep, we were just expected to carry on as if everything was back to normal.
So when the Admiral Gates situation cam along, those buried feelings of things not being as they ought to be have started to resurface, but the final trigger for all those pent up emotions becoming more and more unchecked has been the Jenarri incident. The Jenarri, who, like 'The Collective', are basically a bunch of thugs trying to impose their superiority on others through brutality, are who I have to thank for me feeling as angry as I am, for lashing out as I have, for me being so insipid towards others as I have been.
But who can I talk to who'll understand that, who can I turn to who has walked along that path where Death has been a constant companion and will know how feeling helpless makes you lash out?
Yes, other people on this ship might look on me as coming from a privileged family, may think I'm spoiled and a brat who rants and lashes out because I don't always get what I want....but they do not know me, the real me, the one who's still in that cell, hearing the screams of the tortured, seeing their broken bodies or worst of all, being the one who's doing the screaming, or who's body is still broken.
Who can I turn to........